Well, let’s see… No longer seeing K. He’s an idiot.

Work is okay. Actually, when I get to do my work, it’s great. But it’s rare that I get to do my work, and this new crew is full of people who are certifiably crazy. The more time I spend around them, the more I fear I am becoming like them. I really don’t know if I can make it to my goal of 10 years. I can’t imagine hanging on for another 14 months. But, then again, I can’t believe I’ve made it this far. I still have some major work to do before I would feel comfortable leaving, but the time is coming. And this new position has given me a great deal of clarity in terms of what I want to do next. A plan is forming slowly.

Next month I will be traveling to DC for a conference, and I suspect I might start looking around–just a little bit. Can’t hurt to see what is out there.

And these impulses have nothing to do with a certain new friend, A., who lives in the DC area… No, not at all. But, he is the most exciting thing in my life, despite the fact that we don’t really know each other. But, then again, we sort of do…? Next month’s trip will be most interesting. Oh, and apparently I need to get a life if the most exciting thing in my life is that far away and still a virtual unknown. (But it was pretty telling that the night I broke up with K., the first person I wanted to call was A.)

What else? Just need to plan a vacation… I need a break, badly. Besides the trip to DC, I have another week in the fall that I need to make a plan for. Wavering between visiting an old roommate in the great Northern nowhere or taking a real vacation in two great Southern towns. One is cheap and the other is dreamy. I guess it all depends on the stock market…

For now, sleep. Only one day off this week and tomorrow is it. Must get some work done on the house and make a Farmers’ Market run. Night, night.

First off, I hate Jay Leno. I have never found him even mildly amusing and I really don’t understand your desire to keep forcing him down our throats. But that’s neither here nor there. You are going to air him every night and I am going to watch another channel no matter what time his show comes on.

But, it sounds like you have some primetime space to fill. Lord knows you could use some help with programming, so here’s my two cents:

It’s time for a weekly showcase series– One hour for directors, writers and actors to show their stuff. Each episode is a basically a short and completely unique. Like Saturday Night Live for drama, without the recurring characters and players. Not only will your audience get to experience true variety and opportunities to see actors they like stretch a bit, but I suspect you might end up identifying some pretty good talent for your own needs.

Think about it, will you?

Recap:
-Took a vacation in May and decided I was ready to move to another state.
-Offered new position here in July and decided it was too good to pass up (for the time being). Plan on working here for another two years. Gives me time to start a new program for my current organization, build a project from the ground up, create a “portfolio” to aid in finding similar work elsewhere, and reach the 10-year vesting point. Then I should get on up out of here.
-Started seeing K. again. Better the second time around.
-Started the new job in August.
-Had elective surgery to correct a constant frustration in my life. Very happy that I finally had the guts to do it.
-Got a new car.
And so here I am. I’m enjoying the new position, though it is not without its downside. But, all in all, it’s a good chance for me to learn, create and manage. I’m still seeing K., and while it’s not perfect, it’s better than I imagined it would be. We’re learning how to be together, and for the most part it’s going pretty well. I’m not known for my ability to be in a relationship, but he’s being darn patient with me.

I have high hopes for the new year, after all the drama of the past few months. So here’s to 2010. May it be a better year for all!

Right after I wrote my whiny list, I watched Archbishop Tutu on Craig Ferguson (seriously). I am a very lucky girl. And we are all very lucky that there are guides placed among us to keep us from losing ourselves.

I don’t have the time or stamina to cover three months so, a few quick bits:
- I fell off of the tobacco wagon. Climbing back on. Promise.
- Saw a light at the end of the tunnel. Did everything in MY power to get a new job, but was once again thwarted by the powers that be. Crappy economy.
- I didn’t know that one person could tread water for this long.
- I’ve figured out who I want to be…and spent time getting to know myself. No clue how to introduce those two people to each other.
- I love Ray LaMontagne.
- I really do hate reality TV. Every time I have caught myself watching it, I have been disappointed not only in myself, but in humanity. I truly believe there is a parallel that can be drawn between the hours of reality programming and the collective optimism level.
- I have rediscovered passion. Momentarily. And I long for a continued fix.
- ksajfaklsfja sdkfj sdfkjalskdfj ldkfjlaksdfjaslkjf.
- I realize that my voice cannot be heard until I have something worthwhile to add to the deafening cacophony.
- I think I have something to add, but I have yet to learn the language.
- I’m afraid that I am losing essential parts of my self: kindness, empathy, conviction, determination… I’m afraid that my furor to hold on to the remaining pieces will make me lose even more of myself.
- I hate that I can’t see anything left in the glass. Half? I only see a drop.
- I promise to write something more positive soon.

1. Her voice is embarrassing.
2. The acting is embarrassing.
3. Her lyrics are embarrassing.
3. The dancing is embarrassing.
4. The constant campaigning to sing at Obama’s inauguration is even more embarrassing.

I knew from the moment we first planned to spend time together that we were going to get along. He’s the creature I would create if God gave me the paintbrush. I worry that he might be too much like me… I worry that I was too much like me. Mostly I worry that he’ll just end up treating me like every other guy I’ve ever had a connection with–like one of the boys.

Most of all, I worry that I’ve taken myself too far into the dream of what might be to return safely. It’s been so very long since I’ve met a guy that I share a worldview with AND respect at the same time. I think I get ahead of myself sometimes.

I need to stop thinking.

[The morning after:
Um, gross. This is why people shouldn't drink and blog.

And yes, I drank beer. Not too much, although apparently enough to be that girl. The one who writes such crap. I thought about deleting the post, but it is what it is. Good lord.]