Nevermind…

I get too caught up in myself sometimes… My life is full of inconveniences, that’s all. My problems are minute. I lack grace…

Right after I wrote my whiny list, I watched Archbishop Tutu on Craig Ferguson (seriously). I am a very lucky girl. And we are all very lucky that there are guides placed among us to keep us from losing ourselves.

Where to begin?

I feel like I’ve been neglecting an old friend…

I don’t have the time or stamina to cover three months so, a few quick bits:
- I fell off of the tobacco wagon. Climbing back on. Promise.
- Saw a light at the end of the tunnel. Did everything in MY power to get a new job, but was once again thwarted by the powers that be. Crappy economy.
- I didn’t know that one person could tread water for this long.
- I’ve figured out who I want to be…and spent time getting to know myself. No clue how to introduce those two people to each other.
- I love Ray LaMontagne.
- I really do hate reality TV. Every time I have caught myself watching it, I have been disappointed not only in myself, but in humanity. I truly believe there is a parallel that can be drawn between the hours of reality programming and the collective optimism level.
- I have rediscovered passion. Momentarily. And I long for a continued fix.
- ksajfaklsfja sdkfj sdfkjalskdfj ldkfjlaksdfjaslkjf.
- I realize that my voice cannot be heard until I have something worthwhile to add to the deafening cacophony.
- I think I have something to add, but I have yet to learn the language.
- I’m afraid that I am losing essential parts of my self: kindness, empathy, conviction, determination… I’m afraid that my furor to hold on to the remaining pieces will make me lose even more of myself.
- I hate that I can’t see anything left in the glass. Half? I only see a drop.
- I promise to write something more positive soon.

Ahh…

I’m probably breaking a lot of rules even putting this into words… but I’ve just had the most wonderful evening. I went out on an anti-date (the date that never claims to be such) and it was one of the best anti-dates of my life.

I knew from the moment we first planned to spend time together that we were going to get along. He’s the creature I would create if God gave me the paintbrush. I worry that he might be too much like me… I worry that I was too much like me. Mostly I worry that he’ll just end up treating me like every other guy I’ve ever had a connection with–like one of the boys.

Most of all, I worry that I’ve taken myself too far into the dream of what might be to return safely. It’s been so very long since I’ve met a guy that I share a worldview with AND respect at the same time. I think I get ahead of myself sometimes.

I need to stop thinking.

[The morning after:
Um, gross. This is why people shouldn't drink and blog.

And yes, I drank beer. Not too much, although apparently enough to be that girl. The one who writes such crap. I thought about deleting the post, but it is what it is. Good lord.]

What Dewey Decimal Range Am I? (I am such a nerd!)

Sashafire’s Dewey Decimal Section:
009 [Unassigned]

Class:
000 Computer Science, Information & General Works

Contains:
Encyclopedias, magazines, journals and books with quotations.

What it says about you:
You are very informative and up to date. You’re working on living in the here and now, not the past. You go through a lot of changes. When you make a decision you can be very sure of yourself, maybe even stubborn, but your friends appreciate your honesty and resolve.

Find your Dewey Decimal Section at Spacefem.com

A New Day…

Something is in the air.  Today is a new day–I am certain of it.  I know that I am hardly an optimist, but I have felt something brewing for the past month.  And I know, in the early moments of this day that something good is on its way.  Something’s coming, I don’t know what it is but it is gonna be great. Could be.  Who knows?

The Past Month

OK, ever since Facebook entered into my life, I can’t seem to visit my old friend WordPress.  Sorry!

So, this past month… Let’s see.

Got offered a job that pays almost twice what I make now.  And, with a decision I’m sure to regret, I turned the offer down.  Crazy, right?  Probably.  But, I wouldn’t have been happy doing the work.  I’ve spent so long looking for a better job that I can’t just give up for a better paycheck.  I’ll take a pay cut to find something I like.

Which I might have found… I talked with someone else about a job I really want, and I think it was tentatively offered to me, but then… Nothing.  Haven’t heard from the Director since.  Hmm… Fingers once again crossed.

What else?  I took some time off of work, which was fantastic!  Went to the park everyday and just enjoyed the freedom.  It’s been hard getting back into a work routine though.  I guess that’s the downside of a staycation.

Went to the reunion.  Ugh.  It was pretty bad.  I was pretty much the ONLY single person there.  All the guys are old, fat and bald and all the ladies are very… I don’t know… Southern?  Conservative?  Desperate to get into the country club?  Maybe I’m not being fair, but I was not impressed with how my class has aged and developed.  Thank god I didn’t actually travel to get to the thing.

I did see a few people that I had missed.  One of which has moved to Nashville and has talked me into doing a half marathon next month.  Oh, lord.  Don’t worry, I’m planning on walking it, but I still have to keep up a pretty speedy pace to finish officially (and get the medal!!!  I’m obsessed with the medal.)  Considering how badly I wanted to lose weight and get in shape, the timing is good.  So, I’ve started “training”– A lot of walking, a little running and eating better.  The goal is to lose 15 pounds by Christmas.  Do-able, but still tough.  However, I did run for more than 30 minutes today, so how ’bout that?!

What else?  I’m falling back in love with music.  This week it’s Ray LaMontagne and Brett Dennen and their new albums.  And Bon Iver!  I’ve just been introduced and I’m a big fan.  Last week, I spent the days with Miles Davis and Nina Simone and that was pretty good too.  I’m enjoying it all so much that I have to force myself to watch TV.  (I’m completely out of DVR space, thanks to Season Two of Mad Men.  I couldn’t watch it when it came on, because I wasn’t ready to watch them chain smoke.  Now it’s not a problem, but I just haven’t found the time to sit down and watch it all.)

So, just because I can:

Autumn. Finally.

I can’t explain the sheer joy I feel when there is a slight chill in the air.  Add a few leaves on the sidewalk, and I might just do a little jig.  The weather here has been incredible this week, and couldn’t have come any sooner.

So, what’s new?  Same old shit mostly.  It’s been over two months since I quit smoking.  I managed to gain way more weight in those two months than I should have, so it’s time to quit eating.  To be honest, I haven’t felt well at all these past few weeks, so I’ve made an appointment to get it all checked out.  Hopefully it’s nothing a diet and more exercise can’t take care of, so let’s all keep our fingers crossed, shall we?

Cannot believe the debate last night.  Sarah Palin scares the shit out of me.  Honestly.  I don’t want that woman running my office, much less my country.  I know she’s trying to prove that she’s no different than the average American–Joe Sixpack–but I don’t want the average American in one of the two highest offices in the land.  I want an elitist, for god’s sake!  Really.  I want the smartest person I can find who is actually willing to do it.  What the hell is wrong with these people who think she’s god’s gift to the political arena?  If McCain wins, I think it is fair to say that the USA is doomed.  We may already be on a path that we can’t recover from, but his election would guarantee the end of the country as we knew it.  It’s a good thing I adore Canada, although I am sure there will be a huge line to get in.

Job search?  Hmm, what job search?  The economy is so fucked that it’s hardly worth the effort and eventual disappointment.  Even my current employer is getting rid of people.  And we were ridiculously short-staffed to begin with.  So, I don’t see any point in begging people to hire me at the moment.  I have two leads here in town that I’ll follow up on, but otherwise I’ll continue to clock in at the prison every day.  They might as well get what little of my soul that remains.

Still enjoying my new virtual life.  I figure it’s just a step on the way to getting a real life.  I’ve managed to catch up with a lot of folks from college, many of whom I’ll be seeing tomorrow at the reunion.  (I just crossed myself, and I’m not Catholic.)

I also scheduled myself more than a week away from the office.  Hallelujah!  A few days in the Ozarks and nearly a week here to just enjoy not being at work.  I’m counting the minutes until next Friday at 6:00 pm when I will be free.  One more week.

My new virtual friend…

So recently, I have started to re-engage in the social scene in this town.  It’s been over a year since I decided to leave town, quit drinking, change my life, etc.  Well, I didn’t leave town.  At least not physically.  But I did retract completely from my social world, and now I’m feeling my way back in, slowly.

I’ve been trying to get out at least one night a week–play trivia, go to a performance, volunteer, something… Last night I even hung out at my old bar for several hours to celebrate an old friend’s birthday, a first for me since I quit drinking.  I’ve been in bars, but I haven’t just camped out for an evening without something specific to do there.  All is going well and I feel like I’m finding a balance I’ve needed for so long.

But I’ve also recently developed another social scene.  I’ve discovered the wonders of Facebook, and the never-ending labyrinth of things to do there.  And, I’ve been spending a lot of my time engaged in chats with one particular guy.  M. and I went to college together, but we were never extremely close.  I remember him as a nice, funny, party boy, but that’s about all…  So I was very surprised the first time he contacted me through chat, but I was even more surprised by how interesting our weird online chat fests could be.  Better than a lot of conversations I’ve had in the past year.

So now I feel like I am having this new sort of relationship that I can’t figure out.  I’m much more open with him than I expect to be.  I look forward to communicating with him, and I like that it’s not just fluff.  We discuss everything.  Can I really be attracted to someone I haven’t laid eyes on in 10 years?

Now I just need a way to explain to everyone why I look like I’ve been on a bender even though I don’t drink.  I’ve been up all night on Facebook!

Random Thoughts After 3 Days in Peace & Quiet:

• Cupcakes are awesome.  Yummier than cake and half the guilt!
• Catch and Release is not a great movie, but I loved it for the scenery.  Made me want to be in Montana NOW.
• A clean house is overrated.
• Sailing in Gustav is overrated.  But sailing will still be fun when I go next weekend, since I wimped out on this weekend.
• It’s a shame that Lauryn Hill has become whatever it is she has become, because The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill really is a great album.  I pulled it back out this weekend, along with 3 Years, 5 Months and 2 Days in the Life of… (also one of the greats!), and I cannot stop dancing around my house.
• I still need to lose 5 to 10 pounds.  I think I want to buy a jump rope, because walking the puppy isn’t doing it for me.  She gets easily distracted, so we never get very far.
• I wonder if there are Latin ballroom classes anywhere in town?
• Facebook is crack.  Crack is whack.  Therefore, I am whack.
• Finally watched Black Snake Moan from start to finish.  Wow.  That’s all I’ve got to say about that for the time being.
• Um.  I cannot possibly keep up with all of the Palin pregnancy drama if it keeps up at this rate.  Too bad Palin opposed Sex Ed.
• Kinda loving Emiliana Torrini right now.
• I’ve invited a guy I barely knew in college to stay here for Homecoming.  Uh, what?!
• Found out today that another friend from college is in rehab for the second time this summer.  I can barely wrap my head around that, and then I start thinking about her poor son.  I cannot imagine what his life has been like so far.
• Played some crap poker this weekend, but at least I won.  Maybe I need to go to poker bootcamp.
• Talked to the crush for the first time in about a year.  Might see him next weekend.  He sounds miserable, so I’m not so sure I’m in the mood for that.
• Life isn’t all bad.  I’m very lucky.

A New Leaf

Let’s see… I’ve been an ex-smoker for a month.  I don’t make myself proud often, but this one is a source of pride for me.

Now, for your viewing pleasure, this month I’m going to lose the five pounds I gained while quitting smoking.  (It’s a price I was more than willing to pay.)

I’ve been reconnecting with some old friends, which I suppose I needed.  Oh, and some of my old friends are real whack jobs.  Like, gonna end up on Court TV crazy.  So I’m gonna try not to reconnect to some of them any more.  But, on the flip side, I’ve come into contact with a few people I really like and I’ve really missed.

The job search is stalled once again.  That’s all I’m going to say about that, for fear of making myself ill with the pathetic bitching.

But, one true blessing–a mild end of summer.  I don’t know if I could’ve handled the four or five weeks of 100-degree weather we usually get.  I think it might have done me in.  Instead, it’s the middle of the day and 82.  God does love me.