There’s Life Out There!!

Holy crap! There is life out there!

After three months of sending out resumes and essays and obnoxious cover letters, I finally got a response. It’s not like I was expecting everyone to drop everything and offer me a job (OK, maybe I was), but a simple acknowledgement of receipt is so appreciated.

But today, I walked in and received a call from a company in Seattle that I would love to work for. It was an ambush interview actually, but I don’t care. Someone heard me!!

I think the ambush interview is possibly a great thing. I didn’t have time to freak out and edit myself, and I think it went very well. At one point the interviewer even asked me to stop so she could write down my statement word for word. “My boss will LOVE that. It sounds like something he would say.”

AWESOME.

I know I don’t have the job, and I may never get the job. But, at least I now know that it’s not just a big void out there that is sucking away all of my good intentions to move forward. Big relief.

Blood Diamond

I really enjoyed this movie.

I don’t really know what all to say, except that this is how it should be. This is the kind of movie I want to watch. It had it all–a great cast, drama, action, beautiful scenery, great soundtrack, a hint of romance, and a purpose. I hate that I waited so long to see it, but I’m also glad that I saw it at a time and in a place when I could truly appreciate it.

It’s Nice to be Needed…

My dear friend D. from college called me today. She needed some moral support, as she was preparing to end a 10-year relationship. Not really in my bag of tricks, but I was happy that I could be present for her. She called back when it was over, and I tried my darnedest to not say too much and just let her get it out.

I know that I am one of the worst at maintaining friendships. Out of sight, out of mind? Not at all. But it’s true that I don’t do a very good job of holding up my end of long-distance friendships. I’ve a tendency to be pretty darn selfish, actually. And with D., I imagined that our friendship would fall apart much quicker than most once she moved. We are extremely different, and I had thought that we were just friends of circumstance. But I’ve been pleasantly surprised to find that she might just be one of those few friends that last. Maybe we balance each other. Even when we worked together and lived two blocks from each other, we were in completely different worlds. That’s a constant.

Oh, and she reminded me that this weekend is Homecoming. I’m never ready for the onslaught. R. called today to tell me that he is bringing the wife and kid, and to report that H. and his wife are coming. And, my old roommate B. is bringing his new wife. I’m not ready for this. Pray for me.

Some TV Thoughts

I won’t even bother to preface with my usual blather about how embarrassed… Oh, you know.

Dancing with the Stars
Please, dear God. Someone tell Samantha Harris to go home to her new baby. I had forgotten how horrid she is as an interviewer. I never thought I could say this, but Drew Lachey is ten times better. Please bring him back. I can’t watch the show live as long as she is on. I need to be able to use my fast-forward button.

Dirty Sexy Money
I really wanted to like this show. I’m a big Peter Krause fan, and the rest of the cast is pretty strong. But it ain’t gonna happen. There is absolutely nothing to hold on to–no really likable characters, no plot development and after three episodes, not one laugh. (Yeah, I know it’s a drama, but still…) Shame.

Big Shots
OK. What woman in their right mind wouldn’t at least try a show with Michael Vartan, Dylan McDermott and (my personal favorite) Joshua Malina? Well, I tried. Next!

Top Chef
I’m a little behind on this one, so just a few quickies: Hung? Really? I really wish Casey had stepped it up in the finale. It would’ve been nice to see a woman win, and she was pretty likable. Does anyone else think Padma and CJ had their flirt on? Is it wrong that I’m completely attracted to Tom Colicchio?

Private Practice
How, oh how, did Kate Walsh get her own show? I could handle her on Grey’s. In fact, I thought Addison provided a pretty nice balance on the show. I even like the premise of the new show. I think there is a lot of room to grow and a fairly good cast. But, I can’t stand Kate Walsh’s presence in any scene. She is so damn annoying. (I do however find some strange joy in watching the scenes between Amy Brenneman and the Pediatrician guy. There is something there.) I mentioned my utter intolerance of Kate Walsh to a TV-junkie male friend over lunch last week, and I thought he was going to throw his pasta in my face. Apparently this woman holds some strange place in the hearts of men. Ick.

Poker Update

Played in an online tournament yesterday… Came in 1st out of over 2,500 players. I won an imaginary 5 million dollars! It’s time to play for real, me thinks. I haven’t played live poker in a few weeks, but it is time to get back on that wagon and take the boys’ money!

Should I Stay or Should I Go Now?

A friend of mine told me today that there is probably a reason I’m still in this town and that after three months I still haven’t found a reason to leave.

Well, I think I’ve got plenty of reasons to leave. But, I also think he has a point. There is something that I can’t let go of just yet.

I’ve had a history of becoming interested in someone, and then building a whole fantasy future out of thin air that revolves around the object of my interest. And now I’m doing it again. But I just can’t help myself. It’s how I work.

I’ve blogged about my crush before, but I really don’t think that it is just a crush. Not on my side at least… There is something that happens when I’m around him, or even just speaking with him. I don’t know what it is, but I just feel like I’m totally me, and that I’m the best version of me. (I know that I probably stole that from a movie, but I can’t quite put my finger on it. If it was a horribly cheesy one, please forgive me. I will be punished eventually.)

I don’t know what, if anything, will happen. But I am now quite certain that I have to find out. I know that if I left without trying it would lead to a whole new realm of regret. I don’t need more regrets. Fewer regrets, I say!

And I never thought I could enjoy the Backstreet Boys…

Dancing Cockatoo

Just Because…

I don’t really know why I changed the title of this thing, but it just felt right. I’ve been thinking a lot about the old cabin today, which makes me think of Dad, which makes me think of JT in the mountains. And of that log that we used to cross the creek. And of how fearless I was, so young and unable to reach the guidewire, but completely carefree and ready to scoot across without a thought.

If I really try, I can see Dad’s hideous plaid shorts, and I can feel my mother’s fear that the log will give. She’d squeeze onto my hand until the last possible second, and then refuse to put her little tennis shoe on the wood until I was safely across. Of course, she had to nag me the whole way and dramatically squeal her way across, but we never failed to get to the other side.

And then there were the times when I was really little. I have a memory of being on Dad’s shoulders, holding the wire with him. It couldn’t possibly have happened, but yet I’m sure that it did. Maybe there were times when things were different for him.

What must his life really be like? Is he sad? Has he truly accepted his limitations and just kept trudging on? Or does he regret all the things he wasn’t able to do?

I have to constantly remind myself how fortunate I am to be able to do so much that he can’t.

I can still cross the creek.

a poem by ntozake shange

one thing i dont need
is any more apologies
i got sorry greetin me at my front door
you can keep yrs
i dont know what to do wit em
they dont open doors
or bring the sun back
they dont make me happy
or get a mornin paper
didnt nobody stop usin my tears to wash cars
cuz a sorry

i am simply tired
of collectin
i didnt know
i was so important toyou’
i’m gonna haveta throw some away
i cant get to the clothes in my closet
for alla sorries
i’m gonna tack a sign to my door
leave a message by the phone
‘if you called
to say yr sorry
call somebody
else
i dont use em anymore’
i let sorry/didnt meanta/& how cd i know abt that
take a walk down a dark & musty street in brooklyn
i’m gonna do exactly what i want to
& i wont be sorry for none of it
letta sorry soothe yr soul/i’m gonna soothe mine

you were always inconsistent
doin somethin & then bein sorry
beatin my heart to death
talkin bout you sorry
well
i will not call
i’m not goin to be nice
i will raise my voice
& scream & holler
& break things & race the engine
& tell all yr secrets bout yrself to yr face
& i will list in detail everyone of my wonderful lovers
& their ways
i will play oliver lake
loud
& i wont be sorry for none of it

i loved you on purpose
i was open on purpose
i still crave vulnerability & close talk
& i’m not even sorry bout you bein sorry
you can carry all the guilt & grime ya wanna
just dont give it to me
i cant use another sorry
next time
you should admit
you’re mean/low-down/triflin/& no count straight out
steada bein sorry alla the time
enjoy bein yrself

This was my favorite poem in high school. I even made a poster of it to put on my wall. Why? I don’t know. I loved the attitude and the idea, but what the hell did I know about what it really meant? Why would a sixteen year old girl find that these words voiced something that needed to be said in her life?

The funny thing is, I really relate to those words now. Like a self-fulfilling prophecy, do I try to live out the stories and songs that I love? Did I try to make these words mine?

Getting sucked back in…

Just as I expected, evil forces are pulling me back into the depths of the city and this job. I knew it would happen, but I really thought that when the time came, I would be stronger.

I have applied for quite a few jobs, cut most of my ties here, and slowly escaped multiple work entanglements, but here I am. Now it looks like that the one foot I have left in the door is stuck. My job seems to suddenly be willing to promote me. Which is crap, but it’s still more than I’ve been offered anywhere else.

And it finally cooled down a bit. It’s amazing what a difference that makes in my world.

Damn it.